The Wonder Years

Oh My...It's Been Awhile!

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 18:28:36 GMT

I have decided that I should try my hand at this again.

December and graduation are near! I am achingly working on my 50-page manuscript-- the culmination of my years of fiction studies...no pressure, though. ha.

It's been six months since I got married. It honestly seems much longer than that. I have a hard time remembering what it was like without Andrew in my daily life.

I keep looking out the window, expecting to see snow. I am actually looking forward to it this year, as I for once will not have many places to go and don't have to worry about driving/traveling in the snow. I have two graduate classes lined up for this spring, one is online and the other Thursday nights from 4:30-7:10. This awkward schedule should be interesting. In addition, I finally have time to begin taking French classes with elva_undine ! I am really excited to get back into it. Andrew even told me that he would seriously consider going to France if I become more fluent. So, that is motivation enough for me!

I am also looking for something else. I need more to fill my time, or I will certainly go crazy over the next 9 months. If any one has suggestions, I would be very grateful!

En Francais

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 04:31:42 GMT

J'ai remarqué que je manque vraiment de langue en français. Il n'y a pas si longtemps que je suis presque couramment. Toutefois, le manque de pratique a causé à moi de moins en moins.

I should really get back to it and work back up to my former level.

Brrrr....Winter is on its way?

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 12:44:50 GMT

I am such a mixed up person-- internally and externally! I love colder weather because of the wonderful clothing that comes with it; the feeling that you get when you are all cozied up in a blanket reading; the warm soups-- and I hate it for the dark, dreary weather; the horror-filled driving; feeling trapped it. It all really comes down to seasonal affective disorder. For it associates dark with lonely and depressed-- and when it is like that for most of the day, I am NOT a happy person.

So my feelings on the seasonal changes-- getting dark earlier and sometimes all the time, are quite mixed-- some parts of me saying yes!yes! and others say no!no!I am lonely and depressed! I do my best to just ignore both and go about my day....but it really never works. I instead flucuate between the two and adopt the title of "moody."

Oh, Weekending and the Meyers

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 13:27:09 GMT

So, the Meyers. Every visit seems to further validate that I am going to have a wonderful family. That I really fit. That somehow with all of my personal oddness I can meld perfectly into their own world of craziness.

I am also SO excited to have another younger sister. And a rather strange brother who never has a dull moment. haha.

However, visiting 3 people in three different locations it toooooo much for one weekend. Friday-- drive 5 hours, stop at grandmother's house and stay over nite for some ungodly reason. Saturday-- wake up drive 1.5 hrs and visit family, stay the night. Sunday-- up early again, drive 1hr. visit my grandfather, leave at 3:30 and drive 5.5 hours back to Pittsburgh.

WOW. And now, it is Monday and the weekend is gone, what a bummer! Thankfully Saturday was such a wonderful day with the family that most of the traveling crazily was overshadowed :)

Though, I am now going to try to keep it to 1 visit per weekend (we will see how long that will last). haha.

The Present and Beyond

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 14:56:17 GMT

Wow. I am engaged. Quite a weighty prospect, but I could not be entering this stage of my life without such a lovely companion. So, I am now go to regale everyone with an engagement tale:

We went to the zoo on October 3rd, despite the dreary weather, because it was my special birthday request. After seeing many of the lovely animals, we sat down to have a bite to eat. Andrew kept saying that we should go back and see the giraffes again (my favorite animals), so I finally said OK with much suspicion... When we got there, he told me that I could open my card (which I had been carrying around but was not allowed to open yet). So, I opened my card: The outside of the card has a little bear picture which Andrew labeled as himself (I call him bear). Above it there's writing that says, "Now that you are 21, you have an important decision to make." Inside the card, there was a section of text black out that read "a draft or a liter?" Instead, he had wrote, "Angela Elise Herd, Will you marry me?" The card went on to say "make sure you make the right choice." It was at this point that he got down on his knee and proposed! It was so cute and romantic and definitely a birthday that I will not soon forget! I am so excited!! I can hardly remember what happened, though I think the dialogue went like this:

"Will you marry me?"

"Put it on." me, referring to the ring. haha.

"Ok!"

"I am going to cry...but I am wearing make-up and there are people around." I try not to cry, keeping my fingers under my eyes. I am a very silly girl, I know :)

However, for posterity, me and Andrew have agreed that it went like this:

"Will you marry me?"

"Of course. I love you!" ring put on finger.

"You make me feel like the luckiest man alive. I love you too."

So, feel free to adopt whatever version that you prefer. I am a crowd pleaser :)

And now, I am entering into the daunting months of planning and financing that I have ahead of me, yay.... Well, it will all be worth it in the end, I am sure :-)

Stressing the Little Things

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 14:23:52 GMT

I think for some reason that my life is fueled by stress. I stress over things that I rationally know are not worth it. I have to pick up my sister after tutoring at ACAC today (from her campus) and then drive her home through rush-hour traffic-- terrific! That means that I will likely not be home until 7:30-8:00. Yay for me! I am trying to look at this in a good light, meaning that at least I will maybe get to talk to my sister for a bit. Hopefully this will go well...

My mom is really insane, crazy, misguided. Let me begin by saying that I talk to this woman at LEAST every other day, yet on the phone today, she tells me that I have been "avoiding her like the plauge." AH! That woman has NO idea what avoidance is! Every other day, I tell you! grrr..

Sad news: it is supposed to rain on my birthday Friday. Andrew is supposed to take me to the zoo, but the rain my prevent this :( I am very disheartened about this, as I have been awaiting that day anxiously.

I hate Mondays and I hate weeks full of gloomy, overcast, sad weather as this week will have :(

Change, Freshness and Life

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 14:12:42 GMT

So, an important part of keeping myself happy is keeping things "fresh". What does this mean?? Well, freshness is a frame of mind, an outlook, a well-- ok, lest I carry on, I will just say it is keeping things new and exciting, even though they are not. Here are some of my ideas:

School: to keep it "fresh" I got a ton of new pens and hilighters-- being able to write in color and writing neatly is something that keeps me happy.

Body: to keep my body happy, I have started to walk the 2.5 miles to and from school when I have time enough to do it (and not my huge backpack with me :) Also, in light of my recent food restrictions/issues, I have been trying to try something new as much as possible, to keep from being irritated by having to limit certain things or do away with certain categories of foods.

Social Life: I try to do things with my local friends as much as possible. I email and phone all of my close friends who are away. I take the opportunity to socialize whenever possible-- it keeps me happy :) I like being around others, sharing ideas and just chatting. ( this is the area that is lacking the most, though, and the one that I am currently working on).

Family: I keep in contact and phone when I get the chance. I think about them often and check up on them to make sure that everything is going alright.

Mind: Well, I try to do things that make me happy-- word searches, reading National Geographic, writing, putting stickers on things (haha) and well, anything that I can. I also have been actively trying not to over-analyze and dwell on areas of pain that I have in my mind. I am trying to instead accentuate the positive aspects of my life-- it is tricky, though, when one is in such a opposing pattern. But, try I must and one day, I know that it will be easier; I just have to make it to then.

Future: I am keeping an open mind-- simply put, I am believing in the magic of the future. No one can know exactly what is to come-- and believe me, I have tried endlessly to find out.... but there is no use. All you can do is what you believe is right and good and true. You make the moves that will hopfully led you towards the outcome, the life that you desire-- the one that is fit for you. I now know that there are certain things/people that I NEED to have in my future-- things/people that I cannot/do not want to live without-- so I am doing all that I can to keep these people/things in my life, because they are what gives it value/meaning to me and without this value/meaning, life wouldn't be worth living to me. It is that simple.

Staying With It

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 14:08:44 GMT

Everyone says "stay in school as long as you can!" And, "the real world sucks," and other such phrases. But, you know what, I don't really share this philosophy. Each stage of life has something that sucks about it. Whether it is college life or beyond. What I hate most is when people tell me what I should think. You should want to be here as long as you can....blah, blah, blah. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE getting advice, I just hate be told what I think/should believe.

I have never been one to dwell in one stage of life or another. I am currently feeling like I am in a rut. I have 2 semesters left of undergrad and then 1 year of grad school to go...and right now I just want to stop. To get a 9-5 job and be done with it. I hate schedules that are constantly influx and never stabilizing. Every part of my life seems to be changing rapidly at this point and I am desperately trying to find some stability. I want a schedule that is the same all the time-- I want regularity and consistency. I want to feel more in control.

Perhaps it is now that I am noticing this because for once in my life I am not going to school and having 2 or 3 jobs. I actually have time to do my work and time for other things. It is uncomfortable....

Perhaps it is also that I need a break. I have gone to college year round ever since I started...I am beginning to think this was not such a good idea.

Everyone I have voiced these issues to has been very understanding. However, telling me that this part of my life will indeed come to an end doesn't make me feel any better now.

I don't have any friends that are close enough to see/visit except for Andrew and some of his friends (hopfully they are mine too). But it is difficult because they are all busy too, and never seem to be available when I am. I like seeing them though. Perhaps it is because all day, while I am in classes, I am lonely. I don't know anyone...and they all either know eachother or are not interested in making friends. It is hard to make friends when you live off campus. It is hard when it seems that everyone is younger than you (in their actions, etc.) though they are really the same age as you. I have always felt that I don't belong when I am actually with those in my imediate age group. Always-- I even remeber feeling this way in elementry school. I am alone all day and I come home and am alone. It sucks.

I am just ready for a change, a life-changing change. I need it. It has been an effort to keep cheerful during this past few months. Every day I have been waiting for it to get better, for me to feel less "trapped," and I am still waiting.

Planning New Plans?

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 14:28:37 GMT

It is never a happy moment when you find out that something you thought was a "sure thing" turns up being not such a "sure thing". It was Sunday morning when I found out that due to the overwhelming amount of applicants, I was not going to be given a positing in Jumpstart (a literacy program) this year. I was not going to be given the job I had arranged my schedule around, passed up a regular babysitting job for, and counted on for money and experiences for this year. I had to move on to...Plan B. However, there is/was no Plan B.

I am not/have never been one to take on the world without a plan. I am a planner. Planning and following a plan are what I do best. The vulnerability I feel without a plan is just too much for me to bear. I am currently re-planning. Re-evaluating needs. Re-structuring my days. Re-focusing my energy. I am scrambling around scrapping up babysitting jobs here and there and searching for volunteer opportunities with children. But, most of all, I am deeply trying to distract myself from the fact that for now, I really don't have a plan...I am plan-less. I have NEVER been plan-less before. Most people think it is liberating to be free from a "plan"-- to the contrary I find it frightening. I have never before not worked or had a job, since I was 16. I often had 2 jobs and sometimes even 3! But now, I am jobless. I am just thankful that I have money saved to get me through these next 9 months of my lease...

I am trying to plan new plans; but when I previous plan fails; I can't help but feel that the next plan will as well.

Back in the USA and Riding Unicorns

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 17:45:15 GMT

First of all I just want to say that I am excited to be celebrating my 8 month anniversary!! Yay! These past 8 mos with Andrew have been quite honestly amazing; he categorized our time together best when he said to me that it's been like "riding unicorns". There is really no other way to put it-- it's been so magical and fantastical and something we both never thought could happen to us. I feel truly blessed to have someone whom I love so dearly. I never thought someone could fit me so well, in every and any possible way. Someone kind, caring, considerate, silly, loving, protective and such an all-around great person-- it has truly been a gift from God, one that I cherish most dearly :)

In other news: I am back in the USA. Wow. I find it odd that everyone speaks my language and everything is in English! I have grown quite accustomed to everything/everyone being incomprehensible to me....but not any more! I can read menus, understand passersby (well more so than in Germany, haha), and read road signs and the like. I had the opportunity to see many great things while I was gone: the Reichstag, 2 castles, concentration camps and random beautiful buildings. And during all this time I had a most wonderful opportunity to think; to ask myself what was really important to me in my life; to question my values, morals, thoughts.... to question who I am.

And there are a few things I have figured out: I like who I am! For the first time in my life I can actually say that and believe it! My experiences served as the validation I personally needed to feel that I am headed in the direction I would like to be in.

1) I am overly thankful for the few great close friends that I have, all of whom mean the world to me. It used to bother me that I only have 3 very close friends (besides Andrew), but now I realize that was a poor thought. Although they are away most of the time and I rarely get to see them, they still provide me with so much and I them. I have been coming to terms with the fact that just because I can't physically see and enjoy something all the time that it is STILL there. Distance is a merely physical-- emotions and mental states transcend all boundaries. This is not to say that I don't LOVE actually seeing them and laughing with them, but merely that being away doesn't mean the end of the world.

2) I am so lucky to have a wonderful boyfriend whom I love dearly and who reciprocates that love. He is my best friend and invaluable to me. My favorite thing about him is that when I talk to him, he really listens. It sounds rather cliche, I know, but he really does. When I feel like the world is just to much to handle, he helps to place it back within my grasp. When I am with him, all my worries are at bay and time melts away, hours pass like seconds and before long, it is time for me to leave and head back to my lonely apartment. Each time I see him, my day lights up, even after a handful of months, I still feel the same. I have always been so comfortable with him, as if I had known before we'd actually met; so comfortable and so "right". Being away for 21 days, really showed me how deeply I do feel for him-- relishing each and every email he sent me, lying awake at night remembering the feel of his breath on my neck, the warmth of his body next to mine...It is hard to explain and horribly cliché of me to say these things, but there are simply not words that can accurately express some feelings.

3) I have great family who loves me and has done so much to help me over the years. There is so much that I owe to them that there is no way humanly possible to repay them for everything they have done. I am most of all thankful for them guiding me to become the person that I am today. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I am a real honest person.

Perhaps being completely de-contextualized from my world, the USA, allowed my mind a sort of freedom from all the ties I have here-- allowing me the freedom to delve into realms of my mind that are usually locked for me. Well, whatever the reason, I think I am the better for it. But, who knows what the future will bring and what other discoveries I will make.

The one thing I know for sure is that Love is the most important thing in the world to me. Love is the fiber of my soul and the fuel of my life. And I really wouldn't have it any other way <3

What's on Your Plate?

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 14:23:10 GMT

It has been a little over a week since I have given up all things bread, breaded, fried and highly processed. After finding out that lactose is present in these products, it did not take long for me to realize that I must get rid of them if I ever want to feel "normal" again. That being said, it hasn't been easy!

Fruit, veggies, olive oil, vinegar, wheat germ, soy nuts, soy milk (vanilla and chocolate), boca burgers, and some select fake-meat products are the likes of which I can happy consume and not feel the wrath of later. However, this renders many every day things difficult; eating out, eating on-the-go, traveling, eating at a friends house and so on. My biggest fear is Germany. I haven't the slightest idea what I will be provided-- they know I am lactose-intolerant and vegetarian, I just pray that doesn't mean PB and J's for me! Alas....my doctor told me to bring food along, but enough for almost 4 weeks?! That is crazy! Not to mention, I haven't the slightest clue as to what I can bring without getting stuck in customs and having my goodies thrown away :-(

I am deeply frustrated, I feel SO much better, yet I really can't eat anywhere and have been spending so much money I food that I won't be able to much longer. Plus, no more goodies (cookies, cake, etc.) for me...I don't miss them too much, just on certain occasions, oh well. I guess I will just have to deal.

Other News: today is day one of Setraline, the generic Zoloft, so we will see how I feel tomorrow after the 2nd dose, which is usually when the mayhem will insue if it is going to. I must confess that after the Lexapro incident, I am very frightened to try another....I will just being praying for the best; after all, that's all any of us can actually do.

On the bright side- I really do enjoy a nice mug of chocolate soy milk, quite a delight, I must say. It gives me lots of beneifical nutrients like B12, Iron and protein, and lots of yum.

Well, here's to hoping the remainder of the daylight will be as lovely as it is right now :-)

Once Again...

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 11:01:34 GMT

It is only now reaching the 7am hour and I have once again done a days worth of activities before such time. Wow. My mind has just been churning with ideas and things that need to be done, etc. So, come 4:15am, regardless of time of sleep, my body awakens and tells me, stubbornly, "go!" And, not being able to return to the land of dreams, I oblige, sometimes willingly, and other times not so.

I very often wonder about the cryptic-ness of my mother. On the phone she will say things that prompt you to say what she is thinking you are trying to say but don't want to...confusing, I know! But any way, she always thinks she is one-step-ahead of the game when it comes to knowing what is going in my life, perhaps even my mind? That's all I will say on this topic for now, except to add that my mother deeply perplexes me...

So, in 2 weeks I am going to see a nutritionist and this means that I have to start keeping a "food" journal until then: complete with drinks and portion sizes....wow. That is going to be annoying. So far today, it looks like this:

- 1/4 c. dried cranberries (thanks, Jess!)
- 2 low fat whole wheat waffles
- 1/4 Banana (I give up on bananas sometimes...you can only handle so much at a time :-)
- 6 oz fat free yogurt
- 1 c. tea
- 1 c. water

Well, that's all for now, and considering I have already been up for almost 3 hours, that's not too bad. I have also cooked up some brown rice and tofu stir fry to take for lunch to class. Yummy.

Okay, that's all for now. Time to do other productive things...and not burn out before 6PM. lol.

Hello, Monday?

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 14:09:17 GMT

I HATE being ill on the weekend. It's like, "Goodbye, Weekend!" (the thing I look forward to all week), and "hello, Monday!" (day that always sucks). Ugh.

Roommate is gone for a few days, and I find myself once again, alone....it seems to be the status quo of late; unfortunately, that fails to make it any more bearable. hum.

So, it seems I have found a foe in Lexapro. I first began taking it on Thursday, and ever since Friday, I have been dizzy, light-headed and literally sick to my stomach. After taking it again on Saturday and still feeling awful, I called the doctor. He told me to quit taking it for 48 hours and see if I get better. Lexapro only has side effects for about 8% of the people that take it!! Why am I CONSTANTLY in the minimal percent of people who have adverse reactions to drugs?!?! I am ALWAYS in it....argh. I hate my stupid immune system....So, this was my revised weekend:

Saturday:
- 10:00: Andrew came over and drove me home, ill, dizzy and nauseated.
- 11:00-?? Lay around being and feeling miserable, watching hours of Planet Earth... sustained myself on crackers and misery.... ;(

Sunday:
-Better-ish, eating still a chore: feeling bad about wasting a Saturday...
-5:ish: feeling much more cheery! Andrew came over and had dinner with me and my parents and we hung around for awhile and had a great time.
-10:30: home and sleeping at my apartment

Any way, it has been 48 hours and I feel much better physically, however, mentally not-so-well....not taking the Lexapro and now the emotional period stuff is on its way. I called the doctor again and she is calling in something else for me to try...I think I will hold off till Friday to try it, in case of adverse reactions, ugh. At least classes are over this week. Then I can just be ill and not feel bad about neglecting work as I have been. I just want my focus back, my energy, my zest for life, etc. It's not that it is completely gone, it's just not there are much as it should be.

Oh, well. I guess I will try to force myself to perform homework duties. Joy of joys.

God Bless.

Insomnia

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 13:32:46 GMT

So, what do you do when you wake up at 5:25am after having finally drifted off at around 2:30am and you can't go back to sleep? Here's what I've done so far: made a lavish toast and yogurt breakfast, wrote emails, painted my finger and toe nails coral-pink, made a fresh fruit salad to take to school for lunch, took a shower, ran the dishwasher, wrote out a card and called my mother to chat. Wow. And it's only 9:25 and I am soooo sleepy..... :( Hopefully tonite will serve me better than the previous two nites of non-sleep have.

I started my Lexapro today, and hope for good results in the next few weeks. I hope that as my anxiety eases, sleeping will become more lasting and refreshing than it has been!? So, we shall see.

My sister's birthday dinner is tonight. Chinese food. Ick. Every time I eat it, I get sick. I will see if I can just order a boil of steamed rice or something. I hate all of the "sauces" they put on things...I think that is what bothers my stomach.

I would like to crawl up and sleep forever, but I know that even if I did crawl up, etc., the sleep would not come. Instead, I am leaving for class in 30mins.

It has been an overwhelming week; with doctor's visits, my roommate moving in, dealing with uncomfortable issues (emotional and a UTI infection...ick), and trying to focus on getting some school work done- but failing. FOCUS is what I have been lacking so very desperately the past few weeks and is what I seek. Hopefully it will find me, because I sure haven't found it!

Well, let's see if I can make it through another loooong day. Ugh. Weekend, any one?

Slipping

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 14:54:12 GMT

    It seems to me that my early 20's have been the most emotionally unstable times of my life. I really don't know what mood I am going to be in when I wake up in the mornings... I haven't had panic attacks in awhile, but they have been coming back; moments when your mind races uncontrollably and horrible thoughts stream through your head in rapid succession and you feel trapped in them. I went to see my therapist for the first time in 7 months. This appointment led to the making of various other appointments-- one with a doctor and the other with a nutritionist. I thought that I had my eating disorder under control years ago after I had lost 60 lbs in one year and weighed 25lbs less than I do now. But no, now it's back and with a different title: Bulimia. Wow. I said it. I have never talked to any one about this issue, until someone came along that made me feel safe, someone who allows me to feel comfortable being vulnerable, Andrew. I never thought I talk to ANYONE about my issues with anxiety, depression and eating, but it seems God has given me someone :-) A someone who understands and supports me in getting the help I need. A person who will not allow me to slip back into the horror I experienced 4 years ago, when my blood pressure was so low that it wouldn't register, when I didn't know how to cry any more, when nothing held importance/value to me, even myself.
    I don't want to go back to that place any more and I don't want people to treat me differently because I have been there. (That is why I haven't told any one, b/c I don't want them to look at me differently, I don't want "special" treatment. I want them to treat me as they always have). I have just recently been able to eat in front of people again and not feel ashamed; for years I would eat minimal amounts in private. I'd make 1/2 a sandwich, take a bite and tell myself that I felt overly full and couldn't possible eat anymore. I remember how it feels when you have to start eating again, when your stomach is so small that it is painful to eat even an apple; when having food in your stomach is painful and uncomfortable; when you starve yourself because the pains of hunger are the only way you can feel any more. And now, it is the opposite-- now food is a comfort when no one's around and stuffing myself is the only way I can feel normal (sometimes purging afterwards and sometimes not). I don't always do this...it has just been getting worse...and I don't want it to escalate to the degree it did before. I won't let it and have the support not to let it.
    I can feel myself slipping into the old patterns of depression, anxiety and unhealthy eating, just as one feels themselves being reacquainted with an old bitter enemy. Except, this time, I am NOT going to let it happen. And if this means that I need to tell all those close to me to stop it from happening (and deal with the extreme emotional pain of doing so), then that is what I am going to do.

For everyone that reads this, please don't think of it when you see me; just think of me, the same old Angela, because that is the girl that I want to be, the one i am trying to save. I also want to thank all of my friends, especially Andrew, b/c you all are my world and have all helped me more than you may ever know. All of you.

Pretending

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 23:46:25 GMT

I lie to myself so much that I no longer can separate what is truth from what is fiction.

Ways I lie to Myself

Pretending I love myself
Pretending I am over my eating disorder
Pretending I think I am a valuable person
Pretending I trust others
Pretending I don't care how others think of me
Pretending I don't have an image problem
Pretending I believe that others truly love
Pretending I am not depressed any more
Pretending I think I will be successful
Pretending some day, everything will get better
Pretending I know myself
Pretending to be okay

I am just wondering if there will be someday when I no longer do these things; when they actually become true and I have to pretend no longer. For now, I will just wait and keep pretending.

Fish and Sunday

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 16:46:34 GMT

I am in dire need of a fishy friend, so, today I decided it was time to get one. However, to my dismay, as with many other places, not a single pet store (that I know of) was open. So, here I am, sad and fish-less. Thank you, Sunday.

I Wonder Why

Mon, 19 May 2008 19:51:49 GMT

So, why does it seem to be such a trend that just when things seem to actually be going well, that that world comes crashing down?

My mom called today...she was sobbing to me over the phone about my Dad being laid off; telling me about our extreme lack of financial resources, telling me her fears and her worries, and suddenly, I am the parent. Except, I do not know what to say to make it better. I barely make 90 dollars a week babysitting, which I in turn use to buy food; how can I help? What can I do to help, besides listen to her tears over the air waves, dripping through my phone-- crying secret tears of my own.

What do you do when nothing you say can make things better? Why do I feel like I am some how responsible? Why do people lean on me, when I am barely able to stand on my own? Who do I lean on?

What can I do but worry and pray that things will end up okay; that we (that I) will make it through? What can I do but pretend to be strong...pretend that I am fine and that everything is okay (something that I have gotten very good at over the years)?

What do you do when things are not okay?
When those you love dearly are in pain and you don't know/are unable to help them? When you feel powerless?

What do you do when you get lost in it all and it all seems so big? When it looms over you and haunts your dreams?

What do you do when things are not okay-- when all of your closet friends are so far away, so unavailable?

What do you do when nothing seems to work any more? When it seems like no one's there to help you any more? How do you face these things alone?

It is so easy for me to feel utterly and completely alone. Not just by-myself-alone, but alone in spirit, alone inside. It is an effort not to feel this way-- I have been doing very well lately battling this issue, but right now it is just to hard to do it any more....

Ah, Philly

Mon, 12 May 2008 03:45:19 GMT

So, I have survived the great journey to Philly to visit/meet Andrew's family. I have one sole complaint; my butt is sore from the long car ride. hehe. On a more serious note, I had a GREAT time. Not only was it a wonderful experience, but it was also a much needed getaway from Pittsburgh.

The Meyer Home

Upon our arrival we were greeted warmly by his mother at the door-- I had to say a rushed hello and bound up the stairs to the bathroom as Andrew explained I was in dire need of relief. His mother smiled and directed me towards the correct door telling me "oh, dear, hurry," clearly understanding of my condition.

Dinner was spaghetti: cheese and chicken sauce for the family and red sauce for me :-) Very thoughtful. We gathered at the table in the dining room, amid towers of boxes of all sorts, one of which held bottled water. Dinner was cheerful-- there were smiles and laughter and a general feeling of comfort and love. A very welcoming atmosphere.

A Summary of Sounds

Tinkling bells dangled around the necks of the kitties that padded through the 3-story home. The TV room had the most comfortable suck-you-in lounge chairs ever-- I think I fell asleep in one :-) There were bowls of sweet grapes and pears out on the table, which I ate from quite liberally. Yummmmyyyy. Throughout the nights and even the days the clumping of Mark could be heard throughout the home, almost as if it were the rough internal drumbeat of the house's heart.

To be continued.....

Yet again, my absentmindedness astonishs me...

Thu, 08 May 2008 19:25:12 GMT

The door to my car slammed shut, and I saw my keys splayed across the passenger's seat and thought to myself "Oh, Angela, you've done it again." It took me a moment to realize what it all meant....checking every possible entryway into my car, I realized that it was, in fact, impenetrable. Shit. "Wow, I am special," I thought. Then, I silently thanked God that I had done this at Edgewood Town Center and not while parked on the back roads of....I can't even remember where...like last time; alone and without a haven. At least at ETC there are stores and endless safe havens, also useful for chipping away time.

Rather than call AAA, I decided that, since I had seen them (as various other individuals, as this is not an uncommon occurrence with me) force entry into my car with various rods of sorts, that I would be resourceful and try it myself. In an attempt to find an all metal hanger, I went to several clothing stores and dollar store, but find none. Gone are the days of metal hangers, plastic has taken over...it is a shame that such a useful item in no longer in mass circulation. So, I bought a set of metal skewers and some pointed rod thing, that I can only assume is used for spearing meat on the grill and decided that I would try my luck.

Trudging across the damp, over-manicured patch of lawn in the parking lot, I head, skewer in hand, in a vertical line for my car. I was going into battle, the skewer my sword, preparing to man-handle my car, a lovely item of which I am usually on good terms. Only then did it dawn on me that onlookers may perhaps see me, in my pink jacket, walking hell-bent towards a vehicle with a sharp metal skewer in hand. However, I dismissed this thought-- sometimes you just have to do something, regardless of others errant perceptions.

Jamming the rod down between the space where the window meets the door, I plunged around, anticipating that the rod would catch on something. This, of course, did not happen. I then tried the meat-spearer-thingy out, only to reach the same results and almost stab myself in the process. Great...now I had purchased myself meat-spearing equipment that was totally useless to me-- they could allow me to enter my car and I certainly doubt I will be spearing meat with them any time soon. So alone, in the parking lot I stood with my equipment, awaiting the AAA man...and then, it started to rain. lol.

F*cking Allergies

Wed, 07 May 2008 12:19:33 GMT

It is NOT a pleasant feeling going to bed at night and not knowing how you will feel when you awake: will I be so congested I feel like I Jello is coming out of my nose? Will my head be throbbing like it is being beaten with a hammer? Will my eyes burn as if acid has been thrown into them? And today, well, all three!! And in 1.5 hours, I get to go babysit a 2 year old for 5 hours....and I PRAY that the loads of medications I have taken will process in time for the wailing screech of a wild child.

Writer's Block: Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Tue, 06 May 2008 18:16:57 GMT

What is one thing you MUST do before you go to bed at night?

Submitted By twink

View 501 Answers

I absolutely must brush my teeth.

Old People

Tue, 06 May 2008 03:46:20 GMT

So, until today, it never dawned on me how uncanny it is to see old people in a cemetery-- before I continue, I would like to say that I LOVE the elderly and, in no way, intend what I am saying in a old-people-bashing sort of way-- That being made clear, I will proceed with my tale. It was kind of an eerie realization that overcame me as I wondered the serpentine paths of the Homewood Cemetery and greeted old folks with pleasantries: "Good morning, isn't it a lovely day?". They would smile back and give a warm reply. After successive old-folk confrontation, it occurred to me that, hey, these people could very soon be beneath a shiny polished granite, not unlike the uncountable masses already ornamenting this hill-- it was almost like they were there to acquaint themselves with what was about to be; familiarize themselves with their vast approaching demise. And then, I wondered to myself, would I do that? In many years to come, will I myself be here, in the cemetery, familiarizing myself with my final resting place? Will I select the plot where I will be interred for my final sleep?

That's when I decided that this was an idea, while merely conceptual, that I did not (do not) feel comfortable theorizing about at this time. I left the cemetery not long after that, still wondering about the ideas that my visit brought forth.

Memory

Sun, 04 May 2008 02:50:14 GMT

So, I find that the more I do nothing (such as lay on the floor of Andrew's apartment while he plays video games), the more I have to say. Allowing my mind to wonder, I come across the most bizarre topics-- to prove the hilarity/off-the-wallness of my thoughts I have provided some of the questions I asked/subjects I was pondering: "Have you ever had head lice?" How in the world it is possible to sit down for so long and remain in one solid piece, not melting into cushion-form? and so on. I also recall random movie lines, such as, "what good is a brain without eyes to see?!" (Frankenstein, not sure which one). And then, after a certain point in time, I no longer think in full sentences/complete thoughts, simply in a mish-mashed poetic form. Below is a chunk of thoughts that I had, hardly a finished piece, but encapsulating my thoughts nonetheless.

Of Memory

Millions of memories populate my mind,

Streaming in and out of my consciousness.

Remnants, partially faded entries in time, my time.

Dusty and archaic, yet rich with Me,

The why’s and the who’s

of who I am.

Entreating, with honey-colored edges

They loom, dictate, and

pattern all that I do.

These memories,

Mere etchings in a cavernous labyrinth of tissue,

Analogous to pocket-sized stitches in time

My time.

When I Eat Stars

Thu, 01 May 2008 17:55:07 GMT

It is not uncommon for me to waver on the brinks of sleep, dip ever so plaintively into it, yet seem unable to grasp it, lying awake for hours, willing it to take hold. But it is at these times, that my thoughts are uncannily clear-- luminescent and full of truth; the truths I seldom admit to myself during my wakeful hours, for whatever reason. I wrote this the other night, and it seems to somewhat encompass the new-found wakefulness of my feelings; a rekindling someone very close to me has ignited. You know who you are, and I just want to thank you. Thank you for awakening me <3

Eating Stars

I’m eating stars

when I’m with you.

Warm bursts deep inside me,

a splash of colors

before my eyes.

You are my ethereal joy,

your body celestial.

Your love blankets me

with the vast enormity

of the heavens….

And, I wonder,

How I got so lucky—

Why this all-encompassing delight

has been bestowed upon me,

a mere drifter in the night.